Anyone who is married can see the benefit of trying to improve the relationship every day. How to build trust in a marriage is one of the first things to learn!
Today is the day to break society’s clichés about marriage, friendship and gossip!!
One of the biggest things I’ve learned since getting married is how many assumed clichés society has placed on this holy union, and how bad they are for the relationship. Our world needs an example of what a breaking-all-assumptions, loving-like-Christ kind of marriage looks like!
The lesson I’m going to share with you today has helped me break the world’s mold more then any other.
We all have had that girlfriend(s) during our single years that we told EVERYTHING too! Happiness…sadness…juicy news…venting anger…heart broken…just everything!
To be perfectly honest, mine was my mom. From a very young age, I was a very private person, but I knew that my mom would keep my secrets and would never cause any drama.
Whether it was frustrations at work, difficulties with another girlfriend, a new crush or just a random exciting event…my mom (bestie) heard it all.
One of the biggest benefits of having my mom as my confidante was that she was able to direct and teach me “how to vent”: a lesson that has helped me in my marriage more then I could have imagined.
When I was working, if I was frustrated about something my boss said, I would start to vent once I got home. After a couple minutes she would push the pause button and start mentioning the positive parts of my job. She would mention things like the good qualities about my boss and my passion for the field I was working in. She would leave me, ultimately, with a much more positive outlook then I previously had.
I will admit, there were times it frustrated me. But now I am SO thankful for it! It has set me up to be an uplifting, positive wife and has made me think before I vent or share news (aka gossip).
She also taught me that, although she loved being my bestie, there would come a day when I would meet the man of my dreams and all of the personal things that I wanted to share, vent or ask would need to be directed at him.
The great transition
That day came when I met my knight in shining armor, Josh. I knew my long awaited fairytale had begun. My new best friend had decided to spend the rest of his life with ME! I had been preparing for it for 24 years, and I was confident I would know just what to do!
Surprise!! It took less then 24 hours for me to be proven wrong. Living with someone as your spouse is not something you can ever fully prepare for. And as soon as the marriage had begun, the questions started stacking up.
“Why do I not seem to be able to communicate well with this man?”
“How can I truly submit when I so strongly disagree?”
“Why do we always seem to misunderstand what the other one is saying?”
“How do I sleep through LOUD snoring?” 😉
I think every newly married girl has had moments when she was tempted to run back to her best girlfriend and vent/figure out this marriage thing. Two minds are better than one, and of course it’s easier to communicate your thoughts to someone with a similar, feminine mind, right?
Put on the brakes!!!
My mom ALSO taught me, there is a huge difference between venting about your boss and venting about your hubby. One reason is that you are tied to your spouse for the rest of your life, and you are going to want to be careful about putting any wedges in that relationship.
My #1 secret to building trust in a marriage: What happens in the marriage stays in the marriage!”
But the BIGGEST reason is that you have vowed to show your hubby respect in EVERYTHING you do…To be his helpmeet and safe place…To make him feel loved and supported.
***He needs to know that when his back is turned, you have it covered!****
The world can do its darndest to tear him down. But your man should be able to hold his head up with CONFIDENCE knowing that the person that means the most to him has never uttered a negative word behind his back to ANYONE in her life.
This is a rule that I have lived by since our marriage began. I can truly see the joy and pride in my Josh’s eyes when he realizes that even if we have had a disagreement or difficulty, his wife is praising him to the skies…even when his back is turned.
Where to turn??
****BUT THERE IS A CATCH!!!!!****
Remember those questions I mentioned earlier, and the hundreds of others that all new wives have struggled with?
If we limit ourselves to only working these things out with our hubbies we run into difficulty. He is just as new at this marriage thing as I am! Many times we have sat down to hash something out and finally looked at each other in bewilderment, having to admit: WE HAVE NO CLUE!
There have been two types of scenarios that have come up in our lives where advice/guidance had to be sought outside of hubby. Each have their own unique solutions:
For issues that are not that important, sometimes we have to just agree to disagree. But what about the more important issues? Issues that we just can’t let go? Or if we are completely stumped on a communication issue? Or perhaps we have a child training question that neither of us feel experienced enough to answer?
In situations like these, we BOTH agree to ask our parents/pastor/wise older couple together. Let me say again: if there is a constructive question that seems like a good thing to ask someone outside of the marriage, we ONLY go this route if BOTH of us agree.
The second type of scenario involves issues that we don’t really want to ask anyone outside the marriage for guidance, but we don’t want to be a hindrance to our husbands, either.
Although the main reason we confide for our hubby is respect, respect can also be a hindrance. If you really want to vent about how frustrated your husband made you the other day…it might come across as less than respectful to share that emotional overflow with the one who got you frustrated in the first place!
As odd as this sounds, there are no truly successful marriages made up of only two people. If Christ is not the center of it, these situations will tear you apart!
When you just need a listening ear, but know it would not come across respectfully to your husband, run to the One who is always ready to listen, guide and unconditionally love. After all, we are his bride as well and He longs to us to come to Him!
Romans 15:13: “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Spirit.”
I saved the best for last!
Holding your tongue, choosing your words carefully and making your husband your ONLY confidante can seem tough sometimes. But the true icing on the cake is that if he trusts you and feels respected by your actions, he will adore you and do everything in his power to show you love!
Then you won’t have any bad husband gossip to tell your girlfriends behind his back anyway. Your marriage will be flourishing!